I'm sick and tired of this, it's the first week of school and I feel like I want to cry already. Every time I walk pass a long hall way, I always have to walk pass A lot of people, I'm embarrassed that I can't even look at people's face normally. It gets worst at lunch, everyday, the cafeteria is behind the lunch sala and the lunch sala has TONS of people. Mind you, some days I just rather starve a bit instead of walking pass the lunch sala. Even if I get to the cafeteria, I have no one to sit with end up sitting by myself, it feels hurt and scared. Everything becomes blurry and I become very clumsy, I eat very fast so that I can move away without people recognizing me. It's terrible. And note that I'm 185 tall so hiding is very very very hard. It makes me feel sad that I can't play basket ball because I'm scared of people who look at me. I feel so pathetic, the only sport I play now is fencing because there's very little people and I feel that at least I can have fun there.
Anyways, since I'm in Asia, therapy is not so popular and people view you as insane if you consult doctors about it. Oh no, don't even mention about medicines, I also have a fear of swallowing medicine (mind you I love getting injections) I rather eat crushed aspirin rather then swallowing that huge *** medicine. Like I said earlier, I get panic attacks every time I get into a place with alot of people, I mean I don't understand, I have been at school for more then 5 years (I'm in 11 grade), but why does everyone still looks like a stranger to me ? I hate hate this very much.
I tried to breath but somehow I really can't because it would me me breath hard, and it would look ark ward as heck if I breath like that in public, I can't really control my panic attacks, of course, I exercises and I'm actually very healthy and I always get enough sleeps but it doesn't help. It's making me crazy, the picture of me going to a night club is like me sitting in hell. Damn it, if it's this painful I start to believe that hell doesn't even exist, since in already living in hell. The only place I can be comfortable is my home, the library (but it's not a library anymore since alot of people go there and it's super crowded and noisy) basically, there is no where in school where I can feel comfortable except the nurse office but I can't go there everyday because it would cause suspicion.
The moment I come home, I feel like crying from happiness. I have a very good friend that when I'm with her (people usually misunderstand that I'm her girlfriend but I don't see her as my girlfriend though, and I'm sure she doesn't either) I always have fun and feel comfortable. Unfortunately, she's not in every class I have and in another classes, the tension of TEACHERS SAYING "OK CLASS, FIND A PARTNER" oh my Goddard I hate teachers who do that so much. If I don't have her then who am I suppose group with ? Then there's the panic attacks, everything gets blurry and I can't concentrate on learning. I rub my eyes alot to the point where some people ask me why am I crying (I'm not crying) I'm 100 percent sure that this is not vision problems. It only happens when this phobia is activated. I really think this is serious, it has been happening since I moved into 8 grade.
Oddly enough, the phobia doesn't activate when I'm not at school. I'm perfectly fine when I'm a the food center at the mall. I don't understand this. Some places makes me scared, some places don't. I really don't understand how this phobia thing work but it's annoying as heck.
Thank you for listening (or reading) please help me though, ex cerise doesn't help, I don't have time for yoga and I'm a guy. I can't talk to my parents or trusted people because I will make them worry, I tried once but they just give me a crappy answer that doesn't help anything. This goes the same for my school's student consular , they all give me the same answer which is to make friends and go out of your house more often. YOU MEAN WASTE MY MONEY ON BEER AND DRINK AT THE MALL, WATCH MOVIES and DO STUff WITH FRIENDS, FLIRT WITH GIRLS AND PLAY SPORTS, don't make me cry. seriously. what are they thinking. That is the most re tarted non-helping thing ever.
Answer on Demophobia can someone help ?
So, you're willing to admit to a problem but it sounds like you're afraid to do anything bout it. You can't go to a therapist because your culture looks down on it. You can't get meds because your culture doesn't look down on it. You can't sit in the nurse's office because it will cause suspicion. You don't have time for yoga. You can't do breathing because you think people are looking at you. It sounds to me like you're self-conscious about your height and that you were probably bullied in the past, and your young brain dealt with it by avoiding others.
So, while I really think you should go to a therapist, and not give a damn about the ignorant people around you who believe therapy is bad, I'll give you a few simple suggestions:
- Mindfulness breathing and diaphragmatic breathing can both be done with your eyes open. The latter is especially useful in panic attacks since it delivers more oxygen to the brain.
- Positive self talk can be done in public as well. Simply reminding yourself that, "I know I'm in a safe place. I've been here before. Nothing bad will happen" etc. can also be helpful.
- When you are in crowds, choose a place to sit where you have an escape route, where there are teachers or others who will protect you, and so on. Think strategically about how you will keep yourself safe. That might lower the stress.
- Consider drinking herbal teas, which many people find relaxing.
- Try to introduce yourself gradually into places where you feel uncomfortable. For instance, if you can find ways to mingle with 1 person, then 2 people, then 3 and so on, you will become more used to it over time. (That's called behavioral activation.)
You should try to deal with this now, because it sounds like you're at an age where your brain and behaviors are still developing, so you have a chance to shape them. If you don't deal with it now, it won't be any easier to deal with as you get older. But, it's worth keeping in mind that if you were bullied, then school might be retraumatizing, so once you're out of school things might start to go better for you.
